Exquisite Tweets from @pauloppenheim
Collected by BenWard
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THE WEBINAR HAS BEEN SUMMONED FORTH, AN ANCIENT EVIL WROUGHT CORPOREAL WITH FORGOTTEN SYLLABLES
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The Webinar, upon hearing its name spoken by the craven, megalomaniacal masses, draws energy and matter from the unrepentant cynicism above.
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The Webinar bursts from its underground lair beneath 24th st BART, an explosion of bricks at near supersonic speeds; death, maiming, horror.
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The Webinar lurches down the street, screaming crowds mutilated by enormous claws. It enters Taqueria Cancun, cuts in line, then doesn't tip
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The Webinar, a walking campaign of fear and torture, utters from an obscured orifice ~ "oh shit bro, think i left my blackberry at blondies"
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The Webinar hungers, unslaked by the trail of disemboweled innocent, stops at Zuni and complains loudly about how bad the service is tonight
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Hark! The Webinar tramples north, gaining momentum and dread, yelling at a bicyclist on Polk St to get out of the fucking road
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The Webinar drinks heartily of blood and cheap booze at R Bar, shouts "slut!", then reverses fortune and pukes voluminously into the street.
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The Webinar passes Acolytes chanting dark spells to increase his strength, dial-in numbers to join the conference call, ways to maximize ROI
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The Webinar strides into Monaghan's, alter built, sacrifices ready, Followers whipped into a craze. His voice peals: "DUDE, LET'S RAGE OUT!"
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The Webinar and minions at the ready, all load the URL that was CC'd into Eternity itself, the very ether bending with their combined weight
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The Webinar and disciples, sacrifices made, await the stream of 3 Crazy Tips to Unleash Their True Potential, but then their Nemesis arrives
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Dave From IT sent Forced Password Resets moments ago, thwarting The Webinar, halting its Death Gaze and eternal Expense Compliance Workshops
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The Webinar's underling horde, minds freed from wretched binding, grab a weakened Webinar and march towards Marina Green. He begins to plea:
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"Profits next Q will be off the hook!" the beleaguered Webinar intones. "Release me and I can show you this season's hot new product lines!"
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The Webinar's helpers-gone-mob tie him up thoroughly. They rope up a cement block too, and heave him into the Bay, just past the Wave Organ.
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Today, The Webinar is slain. Who will summon it next? Who will abandon good sense and endanger sanity with grab-ass market-speak? ~THE END.~
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