1. Exquisite Tweets from @BrendanAdkins

    BrendanAdkinsCollected by BrendanAdkins

    Okay, Internet. This is my 9,998th tweet. You know how you all fucking love it when other people pretend to be me on twitter?

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    From now until I get tired of it, if you go to xorph.com/realbrendan/, anything you type into the box will post to twitter as me.

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    Let my inner Irish Spring burst inside of you.

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    Yo guys, I got to be completely real before this gets started. I am, in fact, a stinky butthead with a jerk face.

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    Every time you clean a dish with a sponge you're wiping thousands of my sperms on your dishes!

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    Huh! It turns out Community is a really great show just like Stephen said. I guess that makes me sort of an idiot for doubting him!!

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    The Children's Hour of Knowledge returns this Tuesday featuring @krisstraub as Profoctor von CandyCorn!

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    that did not work why are you trying to break everything

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    I will never make something as awesome as the children's hour of knowledge again.

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    Ok, ok. I admit it; I am the one who makes the @SpringBrendan posts.

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    The only thing better than the writing on Community is Vincent Baker's prose in Apocalypse world! I find it clear, accessible and endearing.

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    Okay, I turned it off. Thanks everyone, for being jerks! Now back to regular tweeting: I am a butt dork who smells like real dog poop.

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    Actually, this is just to hide truths while others put words into my mouth. (I buried the body in Newark.)

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    Hey girl. I got my peanut butter in your chocolate. And when I say "peanut butter" I mean "penis." And when I say "chocolate," I mean your a

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    Oh shit, I forgot that the Library of Congress dutifully catalogues all tweets. A thousand years from now, people will think this was me.

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    I like big butts and I cannot lie! You other brothers can't deny!

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    Sometimes, late at night, I lick my own butthole and pretend it's you.

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    .@leonardr Your check is late. I'm not shilling for Constellation Games anymore until I get my money.

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    Seriously, I turned it off this time. Now, let's all listen to HOOBASTANK youtube.com/watch?v=H5kTkz…

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    .@justinbeiber Okay, I admit it, I LOVE YOU. I can't stop listening to #Boyfriend. You are a musical GOD.

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    @krisstraub It's a comedy experiment. xorph.com/realbrendan/ Apologies for the spam. (if it says "from web" or "iphone" it's actually me)

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    BrendanAdkins

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    Day 47. Missed call. I think I may have killed a man. More later. #south

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    Mink Baby Nuts. Silver foreskins. Bugshits.

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    buy more nike you nike loving fucks

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    I just accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and personal Savior. #GodIsGreat #butts

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    Stalin, however, couldn't paint FOR SHIT.

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    millard fillmore wasn't nearly as funny as MALLARD fillmore

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    The real Brendan Adkins has been retired for five years and living like a king in Patagonia.

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    I SAID HITLER HAD SOME GOOD IDEAS.

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    I am unsure of the link between the shadows on the way and the puppets in my heart. Also, my lamp eyes.

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    I should admit this--every Ommatidia I ever posted was actually stolen from the "kidz fiction" section of old Highlights magazines.

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    wartortle - great pokemon or greatest pokemon? Man you dont even need to catch them all - just catch all the wartortles

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    I get most of my writing ideas from Ayn Rand. Have you heard of her? She's pretty good. ESPECIALLY Anthem!

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    This one time I fucked a wartortle. IT WOULDN'T STOP SAYING ITS NAME

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    I think I may have overdone it on the spice. Oh shhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiioh, nevermind, turns out I'm the Kwisatz Haderach. Cool.

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    Just a small town girl, livin' in a lonely world She took the midnight train goin' anywhere Just a city boy, born and raised in south Detroi

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    RT @SpringBrendan: Pretty sure I've figured out how to have a threesome with @BrendanAdkins and @WinterBrendan. This is gonna be awesome.

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    wartortle wartortle wartortle wartortle wartortle

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    @fredhicks We've been dancing around this for a long time, but I just have to ask. Will you marry me? I will raise your children as my own.

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    Just a small town girl, livin' in a lonely world She took the midnight train goin' anywhere Just a city boy

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    OK, I have to level with you: I was the one who invented bubbling. knowyourmeme.com/memes/mormonbu…

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    I really like the movie Hackers! Ha ha no guys, j/k let's not get mean with this.

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    Did you guys know there are comic strips ON THE INTERNET!?!?!?!? #Pow #Blam #ComicsOnTheInternet

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    Our Baby Turns 26 Tomorrow Alicia Silverstone Twitter PLEASE Total Recall

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    Man, you don't understand. @BrendanAdkins is inside all of us. He has no leader. He is legion. He does not forgive. He does not forget.

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    Except my birthday. He forgot my birthday. #whatajerk

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    a legion of dangerously sexy robots, banging their cheap panels together until they collapse, out of robot juice.

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    I hope nobody realizes I just did this to cover up the multiple-personality disorder I've suddenly developed.

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    unnfa unnfa unnfa unnfa wheeeeoooooo wheeeeeooooo chhckk chhckk chghhcckkk

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    Charlie Kaufmann is a great writer. So deep! #butts

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    Under the cover of this possibly being someone else I can finally admit I've seen all of The Wire & just didn't like it much. #omarisdumb

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    Butter my ass and call me a biscuit, baby.

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    Charlie Kaufmann has been living in my urethra since 1999.

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    In death, members of project mayhem have a name. His name is Brendan Adkins.

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    OMIGOD, WHICH ONE OF YOU DIDN'T LIKE THE WIRE!?!?!!

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    I'm a social media expert, making money off your thoughts.

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    Actually I am not @BrendanAdkins but I also hate the Wire, it kind of sucked balls

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    The Wire? Did you mean Bird On A Wire, the melancholy Leonard Cohen ballad? #omarwho

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    You guys, this was a terrible idea and none of you are funny. Sorry.

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    Except that guy. That guy was fucking hilarious.

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    @korybing See, if they tried that shit with me, I'd just say "So then you agree Gizmo from Gremlins is Hispanic. Cuz that's Howie Mandel."

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    jesus christ will you shut up about television

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    I have something to Tweet but @BrendanAkins if filling up everyone's feed. #firstworldproblems

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    I love BIRD ON A WIRE, the 1990 classic starring Mel Gibson and Goldie Hawn!

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    I mean, if I wanted to listen to boring bullshit about television programs I'd talk to Jeff Picanso

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    Fun fact: Brendan is circumcised. Thought you should know. #IKnow

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    Doesn't my avatar make me look like I am always just about to sneeze?

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    April free font, DESTROY EARTH BB, is live! Includes Regular & Rough. bit.ly/GVZUm3

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    That was a description, not a request

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    You guys, I'm going to let you in on a secret. This is what I do on weekends: tinyurl.com/cm5k7eq

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    curl 'http://xorph.com/realbrendan/?ajax' -d tweet=your+text+here

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    I hope to fuck no one tweets about my vestigial tail.

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    Brendan Adkins: It's like 4chan for twitter

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

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    Anders-streben

    The best part of living in Portland is all the Maine lobster. Also, the shoes people write on with pens.

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    I'm working on a Jar Jar Binks mini for Dynamite!

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

    I'm having sex on the moon next summer.

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    BrendanAdkins

    Anders-streben

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    Anders-streben