Exquisite Tweets from @pauloppenheim
Collected by blech
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THE WEBINAR HAS BEEN SUMMONED FORTH, AN ANCIENT EVIL WROUGHT CORPOREAL WITH FORGOTTEN SYLLABLES
pauloppenheim
The Webinar, upon hearing its name spoken by the craven, megalomaniacal masses, draws energy and matter from the unrepentant cynicism above.
pauloppenheim
The Webinar bursts from its underground lair beneath 24th st BART, an explosion of bricks at near supersonic speeds; death, maiming, horror.
pauloppenheim
The Webinar lurches down the street, screaming crowds mutilated by enormous claws. It enters Taqueria Cancun, cuts in line, then doesn't tip
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The Webinar, a walking campaign of fear and torture, utters from an obscured orifice ~ "oh shit bro, think i left my blackberry at blondies"
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The Webinar hungers, unslaked by the trail of disemboweled innocent, stops at Zuni and complains loudly about how bad the service is tonight
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Hark! The Webinar tramples north, gaining momentum and dread, yelling at a bicyclist on Polk St to get out of the fucking road
pauloppenheim
The Webinar drinks heartily of blood and cheap booze at R Bar, shouts "slut!", then reverses fortune and pukes voluminously into the street.
pauloppenheim
The Webinar passes Acolytes chanting dark spells to increase his strength, dial-in numbers to join the conference call, ways to maximize ROI
pauloppenheim
The Webinar strides into Monaghan's, alter built, sacrifices ready, Followers whipped into a craze. His voice peals: "DUDE, LET'S RAGE OUT!"
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The Webinar and minions at the ready, all load the URL that was CC'd into Eternity itself, the very ether bending with their combined weight
pauloppenheim
The Webinar and disciples, sacrifices made, await the stream of 3 Crazy Tips to Unleash Their True Potential, but then their Nemesis arrives
pauloppenheim
Dave From IT sent Forced Password Resets moments ago, thwarting The Webinar, halting its Death Gaze and eternal Expense Compliance Workshops
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The Webinar's underling horde, minds freed from wretched binding, grab a weakened Webinar and march towards Marina Green. He begins to plea:
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"Profits next Q will be off the hook!" the beleaguered Webinar intones. "Release me and I can show you this season's hot new product lines!"
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The Webinar's helpers-gone-mob tie him up thoroughly. They rope up a cement block too, and heave him into the Bay, just past the Wave Organ.
pauloppenheim
Today, The Webinar is slain. Who will summon it next? Who will abandon good sense and endanger sanity with grab-ass market-speak? ~THE END.~
pauloppenheim