1. Exquisite Tweets from @NickCohen4

    PreoccupationsCollected by Preoccupations

    1. Fellow hacks are demanding the 'sub and the reporter' in the Sahara joke'. It's long, but here goes.

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    NickCohen4

    Nick Cohen

    2. A plane crashes in the Sahara. The only survivors are a sub and a reporter.

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    NickCohen4

    Nick Cohen

    3. They stand by the wreckage, convinced that rescuers will say the smoke and flames. But no help comes.

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    Nick Cohen

    5. "But which way is civilisation?" cries the sub. "I don't know," says, the reporter. "Let's just pick a direction"

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    Nick Cohen

    6. For days, the trudge across the baking Sahara. Their skin burns. Their mouths are parched. Their minds are delirious.

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    Nick Cohen

    7. At last they collapse by an enormous dune. "Let us just die here," says the sub. But the reporter, like all reporters, won't give up

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    Nick Cohen

    7. "No," he cries. "Let us climb to the top and see if there is hope. So they stagger up, two steps forward, one step back, and from the top

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    Nick Cohen

    8. ...they see a shimmering, blue oasis. They roll down the other side, and find it's not a mirage.

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    NickCohen4

    Nick Cohen

    9. The reporter is about plunge his hand into the water of life, when he sees the sub has unzipped his flies and is pissing into the oasis

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    NickCohen4

    Nick Cohen

    10. "What the hell do you think you are doing" he bellows. The sub looks affronted. "I'm making it BETTER," he replies

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    NickCohen4

    Nick Cohen

    11. I once told this to Jonathan Franzen. And do you know what @janemerrick23 @ShippersUnbound he didn't get it

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    NickCohen4

    Nick Cohen

    4. . Finally the reporter takes the initative - as reporters do, incidentally. "We must head off in search of civilisation," he cries.

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    NickCohen4

    Nick Cohen